Thursday, December 14, 2017

Now I Understand, Nanci.


It's been months and months of being either bald headed and cold or fuzzy headed and cold. So cold that I wear a hat inside, a toque to bed and scarves around my neck. This week I noticed my hair is filling in. What used to be a silver grey hair has become white and the brown hair is much darker, almost black. It's still too short to tell just how much curlier it will be but it's definitely going to be curly! 

I took these photos with my Pad as I have great options in editing and altering the photos. I played around with the colour first. That lead to these, which I think are fun and speak volumes as to how I'm feeling about life right now. I appear to be calm and almost smiling but in reality I'm often not smiling on the inside. 


I never understood when my cheerful and optimistic friend Nanci said she felt so lonely after she'd been diagnosed with breast cancer. Now I do. It's not that I'm physically alone (too many kids, grandkids, friends and an attentive husband for that) but I feel a loneliness deep inside. I've read that other women with breast cancer, or any cancer, have the same feeling. It is a very common side effect of having a cancer diagnoses. 


I'll be in a room full of people laughing along with them when all of a sudden loneliness appears. I feel separated by an imaginary wall. Sort of like the white wall in the photo. Other times I'll be sitting at home listening to music or watching tv or reading when it hits. There's no rhyme or reason to the timing and only time relieves it. I'm learning as I go along how to deal with this and other side 
effects. Fresh air helps. Walking along the ocean or in the woods helps. A good long soak in the tub with a book and a cup of tea helps. 

I'm not telling you this for your sympathy but to help you understand why your friend or loved one or co-worker living with cancer may burst into tears for no apparent reason. There are just so many side effects from this wretched disease and the treatments. 

Just hold their hand and listen to them and don't offer any words of wisdom! 

In memory of Nanci Balogh. 





14 comments:

  1. thanks car0le, helps me t0 try and understand the impact 0f y0ur cancer j0urney. luv u!

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  2. Thinking of you and praying for you. It's good for me to read this to help me understand friends who have cancer.

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    1. Thank you, Lorrie. It’s hard to understand myself.

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  3. Somehow I kind of know these moments of loneliness. The second of realisation, that we are in it alone. Sometimes, it almost broke me, some times it made me so strong. The last appear more andmore often. And stick.xo

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    1. I can imagine you've experienced this type of loneliness. Glad to hear you are becoming stronger through these times. xx

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  4. Dear Carole,
    I send you many thoughts with a lot of positive energy from Bavaria. please stay strong.(hope my english is right)
    hug and love
    petra

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  5. Hi Petra! Thank you.
    Your English is great.
    xx

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  6. such good words of wisdom:
    Just hold their hand and listen to them and don't offer any words of wisdom!

    good for anyone going through a hard time.
    would be a good mandatory friend skill.

    It is hard to comment, when I would like to offer holding your hand silently.

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  7. Thank you, Tammie. I'm sure you would be a great friend during hard times.

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  8. so important for you to share your perspective as we all know too many suffering from cancer and may face the same ourselves one day. I am so full of gratitude! glad you are near the sea so you can get out for ocean air (even if just on the deck) when loneliness hits!

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    1. Sadly, we all do know too many living with cancer!!!
      The ocean has her way with us….thankfully. xo

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